Mourning this Morning

I had hoped it wouldn't happen. I had hoped maybe we could ignore the feelings we were getting. I was thinking maybe the lack of peace was just a common sense of buyer's remorse. After a tough time of praying and working through so many concerns, we decided that since we didn't have the joy and peace we felt you should have in buying a dream home ---we, sadly, stopped everything, and decided not to move after all.

You can imagine my heartbreak. I feel like someone died. Like I had a BAD break up. For those of you who know me well, you know it's definitely a loss of a dream that I had emotionally invested in this past month, possibly my whole life. But I am not without hope.

Yesterday was the hardest decision we'd ever had to make as a couple. And I am proud of us. I am mostly grateful for a strong, compassionate and courageous husband. With $10,000 down on a new house and plans to build in two weeks, with a buyer who was willing to pay almost list price, and needed a decision by noon -- most people would have been pressured to make the decision to move forward. But Patrick and I prayed, sought counsel, and by 11:45 a.m., he called me with tears that I had never heard before. He said to me that he was so sorry that he couldn't get me this house I wanted, and that being the leader of our family means some times you make the unpopular decision. He felt that we just couldn't move forward when we didn't have the peace to do so. And what brought me to tears is that he said, "When we get to heaven honey, you can have my mansion. I give it to you."

I am in tears right now, as I write this. For the sadness I feel about postponing a dream, but mostly for the peace I feel in submitting to God, and to my husband for doing what I know was the right thing to do. As I started to pray and cry out to God, the beautiful thing that happened was my prayer was not about my loss of a house, or my own feelings, but my prayer was that the Lord would bless my husband, I asked that Patrick would get the blessing, because of the difficult decision he made today for our family, and that he did it because he wanted to honor God. It takes a man of strength to listen to God, and not to the world.

Now, I need to stop singing depressing Karen Carpenter songs and moping around the house, but continue to trust that God did not give us peace for a reason, and we need to seek it out. I am knocked down, but I'll get up again. I just need a little time to mourn, and then maybe a good girls night out. :)